Monday, June 25, 2007

Whew, I'm glad that is over

Saturday passed. In retrospect, I think the anticipation of what I would feel on Junior’s due date was much worse than how I actually felt once the day arrived.

Or maybe it was all of the kind thoughts of comfort sent my way by people who read this blog. I only cried once the whole day. Seriously. And that was when I read the lovely comments you left in response to my letter I wrote to Junior. Thank you – from the bottom of my heart – for leaving them. The kindness of those in this community never fails to inspire me.

Or maybe it was Cowboy, who while he didn’t speak about the significance of the day, knew about it and was extra sweet to me.

Or maybe it was this remedy, which my acupuncturist suggested to take the edge off. Amazing, but the gal who eschews pharmaceutical pain relief and allergy medications does not hesitate to drop some natural remedy down her gullet.

Perhaps it was the combination of the above. Whatever it was, it seemed to work in my favor.

About the letter. Many self help books on dealing with miscarriage recommend developing some sort of personal ceremony to mark the passing of the baby. Western cultures and religions, in particular, have precious little societal outlets for even addressing the subject.

I have read (mostly on these blogs) about some lovely and touching ways that people have honored a miscarried baby. And while I am not a big ceremony person, I felt like Junior deserved something more than a little notation on our calendar.

So I wrote the letter as a form of ceremony. It’s more my style anyway. I actually wrote it a while ago and it just sat waiting in my journal. Then I started this blog and noticed the immediate therapeutic effects. As the due date approached, it just seemed natural to put my letter to Junior out there as a way of being open and honest and creating some sort of simple public record of the event, which is so significant in my life at this point.

So that awful, anticipated day has come and gone. It wasn’t so bad. I wonder if the sadness and longing attached to it will fade from my memory. Will I always remember the day and wonder what might have been?


Carrie said...

I think you'll always remeber the day. In some sort of way. Just a passing sigh many years in the future maybe. But I don't think we forget such powerful events completely. Ever.

I'm so pleased Saturday was bearable. I'm sure your letter helped. It was a beautiful thing to do.

Watson said...

I'm glad Saturday was not as bad as expected, but I'm sure it was still difficult. I'm glad the letter helped you process it.

And I love the Bach Remedies, I have to stop myself from guzzling the entire bottle when I'm stressed!

Amy said...

I'm glad Saturday has come and gone for you and that you were able to cope okay. I can't even begin to imagine what you must you went through but my heart reaches out to you. I think writing a letter was a wonderful thing to do and I'm happy you shared it with us :)

megan said...

i'm glad that Saturday wasn't as bad as you were anticipating. your letter was absolutely beautiful.
i love the rescue remedy -- it's amazing. both my cat and my puppy have used it as well (supervised, of course) and it works wonders.

Sticky Bun said...

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better--and that you gave yourself the space to grieve. I'm sure it helped work through the emotions.

And, I'm glad Cowboy was extra cute and sweet. The boys know how to kick it in when they need to, don't they?

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

i do think you'll always remember, although i think the rawness will dull a little eventually.
i'm glad you survived ok....i can't imagine.

Erin said...

I feel terrible for taking so long to comment!

I’m really glad you made it through ok. I don’t even begin to understand how tough it must have been. I’m so glad Cowboy was extra nice to you, you definitely deserved it. (And not just that day!)

I hope you printed a copy of that letter and put it somewhere special. It was so beautiful.

Amy said...

Ha! Your templated letter to my DH's boss cracked me up! I should send it to my boss too LOL. :) Hope this week has been okay for you Ms. P.

Anns said...

We'll all have "that" or "those" days throughout our lives and I think it's important that we acknowledge them. To many our babies were merely cellular formations that didn't stand a chance, but we know differently, and for that we should never let go. One day we will all have much more joyous days to celebrate but even then, our little ones that didn't make it will always live on in our hearts.

Anns xo

weavermom said...

My miscarriage at 10 weeks was 4 years ago - and I am very blessed to have 2 healthy children.

You never forget. The grief changes, but you never forget.