Monday, October 29, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour #7: Happiness Sold Separately, by Lolly Winston (Group B)

#1. On pages 51-52, Elinor discusses her abortion experience. She says choices are a fairytale and that she had always been pro-choice but now realized she had no choice. Has your stance on abortion changed at all since you began suffering from infertility?

Since I learned the difference between pro-life and pro-choice, I have always supported a woman’s right to control her reproductive destiny. As we considered our options down the road – ART versus adoption – I tended to lean more toward the adoption route. While I thought my beliefs on abortion might change the further we walked down the adoption path, they never did.

I remain steadfast that no one has the right to tell anyone what they should so with their body. The way my logic sees it, you if allow one to meddle in a women’s right to end her pregnancy, then we also have to put up with meddling in all sorts of other reproductive capacities, from donor eggs, freezing, donor sperm, surrogates, etc. And that kind of meddling, in my opinion, will lead us back to the dark ages.

#4. One of the parts of the book that brought me to tears was when the oak tree that Elinor loves is chopped down. The tree had become a solid source of support for her, something that gave her comfort following the failure of fertility treatment and the separation with her husband, so its loss was devastating. Have you found something inanimate that has provided you with such support? What happened (or what would happen) when you lost that support?


I loved this question because I almost cried, too, when the Elinor’s oak tree is chopped down. We have a lovely old black walnut tree in the park right behind our house. It shades our house in the summer and has grown wide branches that obscure our backyard and porch from the park’s playground. (As you can imagine, I sometimes get sad looking at the playground).

When they were building the park, I used to have nightmares that I would come home from work and find the tree gone. I would not love my house so much if that tree were not there.

A few weeks ago, my husband trimmed back the tree’s lower branches in preparation for winter. We get big wind storms off the Pacific Ocean in the fall and the branches often break off, hitting our windows. This season, however, he trimmed them back so far that I can see the playground and the other houses across the park. Upon seeing this, I nearly went into a rage. He thought I was being a possessed bitch (and probably with good reason) but I felt so exposed with those branches gone. I still miss them and wish they would grow back quickly. I could not imagine how depressed I would be if the entire tree, like Elinor’s, was gone too.

Now that I have almost gotten over the branch-removal-episode, I must admit that it is fun to watch the squirrels jump from our fence to the now-higher branches. Quite the little athletes they are.

5. At the very close of the book, having discovered her balanced translocation, Elinor likens herself to a screwed up silverware drawer. "Yet there's solace in discovering something is tangibly wrong. A diagnosis rather than you're old" Have you ever felt like this? Do you have a diagnosis for your fertility problems? Was it a relief? If your problem is unidentified, or age is against you, do you wish that you did have a reason?

After my second miscarriage, I had the recurrent pregnancy loss panel done. Mercifully, my doctors generally begin testing after two miscarriages. I vividly remember the first day at the RE’s office. I felt a little giddy because I thought they would find something (a HA!), I would just take a magic pill and viola! baby. Turns out it never is that simple, is it? And even when you do have something tangibly diagnosed – as I know from reading these blogs – the path from diagnosis is often a tough road, too.

I was both relieved and pissed to find out that nothing was really wrong except for my age (I am in my late 30’s but my FSH was in the normal range) and that my progesterone was low. The well-your-age-is-a-factor was the toughest pill to swallow. I blamed myself for waiting. My husband for wanting to wait. And sat by dumbfounded as friend after friend – not to mention celebrities – in their late 30’s and beyond got pregnant with little problem.

I am newly pregnant again. And while I am on 600mg of prometrium a day, my progesterone has hovered around 26 for my entire pregnancy thus far. I can’t help but believe that my low progesterone levels (no matter what the differing studies say) may have complicated my earlier pregnancies when I wasn’t getting any progesterone support. If this one makes it, I will be so relieved. I will try not to be bitter about the other ones and be thankful for what I have, but I will always wonder…

# # #

Like what you read here and are intrigued to see what other's thought about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/.

You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

In praise of median

Ultrasound #1 at 6w4d = median.

Median meaning that Junior (and there is only one of them) measured spot on the median for everything: crown-to-rump size, gestational sac size and heartrate.

Hurdle #3 cleared. Deep exhale.

At this point, being in the center of the bell curve is good. Normal is comforting. The fact that Junior is entirely average brings me a few days of peace.

My progesterone. That's another story. Even with supplementing 600mg a day, it is only at 26.9. So I am still on suppositories 3x a day. Good thing our local coupon book (you know, the kind your neighbor kid suckers you into buying for $20 so their school can buy rock climbing ladders for the playground) had a page - a whole page! - of coupons for Naturelle organic cotton pantyliners. I think it was meant to be, but still, ugh, gross.

I am so sorry that I did not post on Thursday. You see, immediately on the heels of my ultrasound was a business trip. And I was so nervous and focused on the ultrasound that I forgot to pack my laptop (!) and my toothbrush. By the time I returned last night, I was so tired I went immediately to bed (um, that would be at 8:30 on a Friday night - LAME). This morning, I just recovered from several hours of I-must-lay-here-very-still-because-I-feel-like-I-am-going-to-hurl-at-any-moment.

Ultrasound #2 is November 15 at 9w4d. At this point, let's just assume I get there. Like ultrasound #1, this one takes place on the birthday of someone I love: my dog's 13th birthday. I can't believe I have a teenager! Lordy. Ultrasound #1 was on the birthday of my best gal, JZ.

Between now and then I have to figure out how I am going to get Cowboy there. See, until Thursday, Cowboy had not attended a single lady-bits-appointment with me. We both liked it that way. But this time, I am a mean wife because while I informed him we were going for an ultrasound, I neglected to include the word "transvaginal" in front of ultrasound. I will never forget the trapped look in his eyes when the nurse asked me to disrobe from the waist down.

Nor the amused grin he flashed when I gestured to the condom-covered dildo cam in the center of the room.

"I wonder if those are magnum sized," were his only words.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Half Pregnant

Have you ever heard the saying, "you can’t be half pregnant." You either are. Or you aren’t.

I am living proof that you can indeed be half pregnant.

I am pregnant. I have 7 HPTs in my desk drawer and 2 decent HCG betas to prove it. But I am not letting myself feel pregnant. I don’t want to re-join the club unless I am certain I won’t be kicked out of it. Again.

My two week wait went by amazingly fast. Even when I suspected I might be pregnant ("hmmm, why am I ordering a milkshake? I never crave milkshakes."), I didn’t dwell on it. Since seeing two lines two weeks ago, time has slowed to a crawl.


My first ultrasound is on Thursday, Oct. 25. A day of which I am terrified. And a date that can’t get here fast enough.

I have symptoms, I try to rationalize to myself. My boobs are sore and feel denser by the day. I literally conk out at 2 in the afternoon. Luckily, no one minds. Today I feel like I have a hangover: tired, a little nauseous, blah. I am not complaining. In fact, I secretly delight in these feelings.

And that’s when I start to feel like a fraud. What if this is all one big, cruel rouse? I go around acting like I am pregnant and feel like I might be called out at any moment: "You! Yes, you, over there. Not pregnant anymore! Please leave the room."

Yesterday, another symptom started – light cramping. Not really cramping but more like a stretching or pulling horizontally across my lower abdomen. I hate this symptom. It has me on edge. I read somewhere that this is normal. That the uterus is stretching. But in my experience, cramping of any kind = very bad. So I am nervous.

And I promised myself. Absolutely promised that I would not complain. I knew that the early stages of being pregnant would be the toughest for me. To that end, I am disappointed in myself that I'm even posting this. But these thoughts, they need some place to go.

So every day I wake up and say my mantra, "Today, I am pregnant."

And I so want to believe it and embrace it. But I haven’t quite figured out what kind of grasp to use.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

8 More Things About Me

The lovely, always artistic, Von at Murphy is a Bastard recently nominated me for the 8 things about me theme. Since I love writing about myself more than anything in the world, I was thrilled to receive this task. We now interrupt our regularly scheduled programming of beta results and progesterone levels* for
8 Things About Me.


1) Similar to Miss Von, I have never had a one-night stand. This fact is the God’s honest truth but I only put this in here because my mom reads my blog.


2) I snowboarded for 12 years before I started skiing. Usually it’s the other way around.


3) For our honeymoon we went to Tasmania and New Zealand. Most of my honeymoon was spent sleeping in a tent or backpacker’s cabin with the exception of a glorious B&B we were surprised with in New Zealand. In Tasmania, we backpacked to the summit of this obscure peak called Frenchman’s Cap. This was of Cowboy’s choosing. Getting there required us slogging through 5K of mud bogs. And slogging it was. I was three days into my marriage and up to my thighs (no joke) in mud. I will tell you about the leeches another time.



4) While on our Frenchman’s Cap trek, we had this huge backpacker’s cabin to ourselves. We wrote in the cabin log that we were there on our honeymoon and, hence, gave every bunk platform a go. But it was all a big lie. After hiking through mud bogs and leeches on Day 1 and a 12-hour summit and back on Day 2, we were too tired to touch each other.


That is Cowboy in his technical hiking knickers. He will love that I published this photo on the internet. Note clothes drying above from aforementioned mud bog foray.

5) I grew up in Texas but am from a family of flaming liberals. They exist in that state. For real. I can prove it.

6) I have been practicing Ashtanga yoga for five years (practicing religiously for about 2) and still have one more pose – supta kurmasana – to go before I master the Primary – yes, as in first – series.

7) When I was a little girl in Texas we had a tornado warning in our town. We were scared to go to bed so our parents put us in our pajamas and let us pick 2 small items from our room that we could hold on to in case we had to take shelter in the bathroom at the center of the house. I choose my stuffed bunny – which I still have – and my poster of Parker Stevenson of the Frank Hardy "Hardy Boys" television show. Because the poster was big and my rescue item needed to be small, I folded the poster into a thick, small square and STUFFED IT DOWN MY UNDERPANTS lest I lose it. Sadly, I no longer have the poster of Parker.**

8) It may sound shallow, but one of my absolute most favorite possessions is my wedding band. I hope I have a child or maybe even a grandchild to give it to one day.

* Today's chocolate milkshake was divine.

** My sister chose her Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy "Hardy Boys" poster. So even if our house had been reduced to smithers, we could have taken solace in our matching set of Hardy Boys posters.

In turn I nominate these ladies for the 8 Things About Me theme:
WordGirl at Blood Signs
Liz at Missed Conceptions
Amy at Waiting for…?


Cannot wait to read what y'all write. Many thanks to Von for helping take my mind off the oh-my-god-am-I-still-pregnant-? train for a brief while.

Friday, October 12, 2007

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Today's beta at 18dpo (4wk6days since LMP) = 2049

I hope this is good. The nurse indicated it was.

Originally my paperwork today read that they were not testing for progesterone. I asked the gal who takes the blood in the office if she would kindly ask the nurse, who would ask Dr. Stretch, if they could test for progesterone. She said she would. But I wouldn't be Ms. Planner if I didn't cover all my bases, so I called the clinic before I even exited its parking garage and asked Dr. Stretch's nurse to please, please, please test my progesterone level.

I just had this feeling, this strong intuition that my progesterone needed to tracked. And good thing I asked for it because my progesterone level actually went down (yikes!) to 25.9 and so now I am on 200mg of progesterone 3x per day.

From what I have read I know there is a lot of mixed opinions about progesterone supplementation. And you can bet I'll be researching it all this weekend. Hello old friend, Dr. Google.

Some argue that a healty embryo would be producing adequate amounts of progesterone. And low progesterone is indicative of an unhealthy embryo. Others supplement with progesterone, monitor their levels and viola! healthy baby. I know which hypothesis I want to believe.

If anyone has any beta on progesterone supplementation, anecdotally or whatever, I would really appreciate hearing it. Because, of course, I am relieved with the 2049 HCG level, but completely freaked out about my progesterone levels.

You can bet I'll be calling my RE next Friday begging for another progesterone test. I've already got it in my calendar.

First u/s is scheduled for Thurs., Oct. 25 (assuming we get there). Tomorrow I am at 5wk0day, which is when I lost Junior #2. Making it past then will be a milestone of sorts. I hope I will be celebrating with a milkshake.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Plan A lives to see another day

I want to thank each one of you for leaving your optimistic comments on my blog. They are helping me tremendously right now.

I really, really appreciate your thoughtfulness and good wishes. I will be thanking each of you personally and apologize to those I have not gotten to yet if I don't post a thank-you right away. You see, on top of all of this, I have another business trip and a huge market research project due this week. At least that will keep me from obsessing over beta levels. Yeah. Right. I didn't convince you either.

Speaking of beta levels, at 4wks2days mine are = 210
Progesterone = 26.9

I don't know if these are good or bad. My first pregnancy, I didn't know what an HCG beta was. My second one, by the time I received my beta it was a 9 (and taken after a positive HPT so I knew which direction we were headed). My progesterone test for the second pregnancy came back a 2. Not so great.

Dr. Stretch's cheery nice nurse said 210 was "very good" for where I am in my cycle. And they like anything over 20 on the progesterone scale. I don't know. Shouldn't my progesterone be higher? I am to continue with 200 mg of progesterone suppositories 2x daily.

I go back in on Friday morning for another beta and will update. I couldn't make it any earlier because I will be in Salt Lake City.

Also went to a new acupuncturist today. She is a naturopathic doctor who is also a licensed acupuncturist specializing in OBGYN issues. I liked her because she had read my medical file from my RE (unlike my previous shaman who said she wouldn't even understand a Western doctor's medical notes. WTF!?). This new one also does not do herbs, which I like because I think the herb concoction made me a bit looney. I haven't taken herbs since August and honestly feel like everything is a little bit clearer without them.

The new acupuncturist/ND gave me a quick treatment used for recurrent miscarriage. I felt okay, a bit relaxed, but not blissed out. She wants me to come back once a week but I don't dare schedule an appointment beyond one week's time.

So Plan A lives to see another day. The next part of the plan is to make it to Friday at 4:00-ish PM, which is when Dr. Stretch's crew will call with beta results.

I remember I once wrote that getting pregnant was just half my battle. Now I am battling like my life depends upon it.

Please, please, please let it be a good result on Friday.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Plan A & B


Two lines. 13dpo. Second one is thicker and darker than yesterday. Since you asked, here are the pics. 12 dpo is on the bottom.
No one knows but you. And Cowboy. Who congratulated me on my, well, pee. We're both so cautious right now.

Woke up at 5:18 AM this morning. That would be on a Saturday. To POAS. Lame.

Plan A and B are squarely on my mind. Plan A is calm elation. Just get through today only. Pregnant. Plan B - engaged if the line goes away - is to go for a long trail run. Followed by yoga.

After two miscarriages in less than a year, I can't believe I feel this, umm, well, okay right now. Perhaps I think I have the confidence that I can get through whatever happens this time. I've done it before. And I've watched those who have faced much, much worse get through the really bad parts, too. Maybe we don't return to our old selves. But we survive.

I will POAS tomorrow and Monday. If I still have 2 lines by Monday, I will call my RE's office for a beta. If I don't, I will call my OB for a shot of RhoGam. That is the plan. That is as far as it goes right now.

Friday, October 5, 2007

A Hypothetical Situation

So, hypothetically speaking, of course:

If one were to see 2 lines on - for instance - 12 dpo but one of them was pale pink, does it count?

Or would that just be, say, getting one's hopes up only to have them squashed in the gutter?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Early for October, eh?

Oh my, is it October already?

Travel for some of my work projects has gotten the better of me the past week-and-a-half. And I am still running at a breakneck pace.

Big news in my neck of the woods is that there is a REAL LIVE snow advisory in the Cascades. For serious. Up to a foot of early season snow. Yeeeeeee! Cowboy and I are going to buy our season passes soon. 'Cuz then I will for sure get pregnant, right? I can handle the valley rain as long as I know it is snowing in the mountains. I have to drive to the east side of the mountains later this week and never, ever have I packed snow chains this early in October. As I said earlier, "Yeeeee!"

Yoga. Been back at it for about 2 months now. I go in the mornings but have started practicing at 6 A.M. instead of 5 A.M., which makes all the difference in the world in terms of how much energy I have at the end of the day. Here's a big middle finger to my former acupuncturist who warned that Ashtanga was not so good for my fertility issues. Yeah, and not doing Ashtanga was not so good for my mental stability. So there. Gosh that feels so mature. Suffice it to say that despite that last comment, I am in a much. better. place.

Tag Sale. Last Saturday, held my annual tag sale (garage sale), a tradition that I love and look forward to all year. Am trying to decide what to do with the proceeds. Rule of thumb is that the money goes toward one or two "investment" items. In past years my tag sale has funded (1) everyday dishes, (2) a Karastan Oriental rug and runner and (3) an antique pine armoire for our house. I try to stay away from clothing, shoes, accessories because I know that I will usually end up selling them in another tag sale someday and it will make me feel like my purchase that year wasn't such a good investment. Any suggestions? Oh, sadly, I didn't make enough to come close to funding an IVF or adoption.

Cycle. Three days to go in the Summer of Love. Although I am not expecting to be pregnant because I made a deal with the-powers-that-be-up-there that I would forego a BFP if it meant that Von would get one instead.

By the way, nothing makes the 2WW fly by than a spate of travel and a tag sale to boot.

Anyway, that's my random life. Props out to my best gal JZ for letting me stay at her house in Colorado. I heart you!

Boo! to my friend from the wedding who emailed pictures of her 9-week sonogram to announce she was, yes, in fact, expecting. In all fairness, she did call me in advance of the email to tell me the news. Which was very nice for her to do. But, c'mon people. Is nothing sacred?! Maybe I am just too old fashioned about stuff like that? It is one thing to share early sonogram pics with someone who asks or a caring community, but to email them out to a dist list? Seriously.