Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I'm Starting to Get Splinters on My Ass

We are in the last cycle of the Summer of (DIY) Love.

Fitting, that I actually used the seat heaters in my car this morning on the way to the dentist. For gum surgery. Blech. Which means I am writing this pumped full of Vicoden.

I know I promised that I would focus on DIY and nothing else during the Summer of Love. Last Friday, however, I caved. I researched a bunch of international adoption agencies. And now have some packets on the way to our house. Must remember to get the mail first over the next few weeks.

There are scary things about international adoption. But I am tired of being so damn scared all of the time.

We’ve been hiking once a week in the Columbia Gorge. You can get a lot of steep vertical in the Gorge (its goes from 90 feet in elevation to 4,000+ feet in a few short hours). It helps get our legs ready for ski season. It is also amazingly therapeutic for us to be in the outdoors.

I spent the time on the trail last Sunday confronting all of my fears about the international adoption route. I made my peace with each and every one of them. By the end of the hike, I felt less afraid and more at peace than I have in months.

Until this morning. When Cowboy woke up and told me he had a dream that I had a baby – a little girl. Our second child. And she had a really deep voice.

Just like Cowboy’s.

It hit me how much I really love him. How I haven’t yet made my peace with the fact that I might be giving up on making something from us without really trying our last remaining option: IVF. With PGD.

And all because I am scared of failure.

My husband is so classically handsome. A big, rugged Western American guy. With twinkly blue eyes. An athletic frame. A strong chin. And a deep voice, like John Wayne.

His mother once told me he’s had that voice since opened his mouth to cry. How she could hear him on the playground without seeing him because that voice was so unmistakable.

And even if a daughter had that voice. Pity the poor little darlin'. I would love it all that much more, because her voice came from him.

So here I sit on the freakin’ fence. Again.

Only, today, loaded up on drugs.

16 comments:

Alice said...

I enjoyed this post - that's the rub - you may feel one way one day and a completely different way the next. At least, that's how I seem to experience it.

As an asside - you mentioned gum surgery. My first RE wondered if my miscarriages were related to periodontal disease . . . there have been studies (or a study?) regarding a connection.

missedconceptions said...

Now you and Alice make me want to go floss. I have bad gums, too -- that could be causing my miscarriages?

Vicodin is gooooooood, though.

Part of me wants to adopt because I want a child NOW and I just feel that may be the most direct route. Yet I am not done trying for my own. Too bad my husband thinks it is a bad idea to do both at the same time (and if he let me, I totally would).

niobe said...

But I am tired of being so damn scared all of the time.

You and me both.

Von said...

So beautiful to love a man so much that it sometimes physically hurts.......
And to have a child that is a little piece of them....... The only reason I did IVF was to chase that dream.

Mrs. B said...

It's o.k., you know the good thing about being on the fence is that no matter which way you fall off of it, you can always climb back up and try the other side.. (now, how is THAT for profound!!). LOL, really though, it's o.k. to be uncertain, this is a HUGE decision and you'd be crazy not to have misgivings here and there!

Oh and Vicodin, mmmmmmmmm

JJ said...

I hate how I seem to be leaning on the fence a lot lately too..so Ill join you, and we can just sit and ponder the splinters, OK?
Hope you feel better from the surgery--not fun!

Ms. Planner said...

Hey Alice & Missed Conceptions - gum surgery was due to overly-agressive Type A brushing on one spot on my mouth. Go effin figure. Otherwise, perfectly healthy gums. But gum issues and miscarriage...I had no idea. Wow.

Carrie said...

It is a tough one, huh?

I think the adoption plan sounds great BUT will you always wonder about IVF with PGD? I think you might.

It's of no help, I know that, but I'm so tired of feeling scared too. I don't think there is anyway round it. This whole journey is a rough ride.

I hope you can find peace.

Carrie said...

I just read the title of this post. You might be scared but you are funny too x

megan said...

nothing wrong with a bit of fence sitting. i think it just means that you're considering various options. if you fall off one way, you can always climb over and try the other side.

Sticky Bun said...

First of all, ugh about the gum surgery. No fun.

And, regarding the fence, it's definitely a tough decision, there's no question. I wish you the best as you work through things. And, no matter what decision you come to, I wish you much happiness.

chicklet said...

I love the way you describe Cowboy and his voice - it's really really well told. So much so that imagining a little girl with that voice cracks me up.

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

i am tired of fear, anxiety...all of it.
you're not indecisive, you're just normal. we all go back and forth. we are making such big decisions that it would be wierd if we didn't.

Wordgirl said...

I love your writing! I think you're living the version of my life if I lived in the Pacific Northwest (which is admittedly more kick ass than the upper midwest.)

One of the best parts of this journey so far has been the people on the journey with me, writing honestly in ways that make me laugh, and sometimes cry -- but in that I'm not alone kind of way.

I'd love to mark your blog too...I hear nice long baths are good for splinters...it sounds like you deserve one.

Totally jealous by the way that you have a 'ski season' rather than a 'below freezing - night skiing - frostbite' season'

Wordgirl/Pam

The Town Criers said...

It is a huge, huge, huge decision AND it doesn't have to be an either/or. It can be one route now and another route at another time (if you wanted more than one child). Could it help at all to take the pros and cons out of your head and put it all down into words so you can stare at them and think about them from the outside?

Anns said...

International adoption huh?
I'm curious.. do you have a particular country/region? How does one go about selecting something like that?

"Dad" and I are both international (he's Romanian and I'm from Trinidad - both poor countries with major orphan problems). We've decided that regardless of whether we can or can't have babies of our own, we WILL adopt at least 1 from 1 of our home countries. But even deciding which one is a difficult choice for us.

How do you think you'd select?
Is there anywhere near and dear to your heart?

Just curious.