Monday, April 19, 2010

Day by day

Sometimes hour by hour. That's how roll these days.

And this week, in particular.

It is week 11. CVS week. On Thursday. I should have the results by this time next Monday.

I am so not connected to this pregnancy. (I know this is a horrible sentence to put on an infertility and miscarriage blog so I write this with much gravity). Perhaps I am staying unconnected so I can control myself through the spectrum of outcomes - one of which is certain to happen - both good or bad - that the CVS will bring.

The sad thing is that I will not even feel relief with a positive outcome. Because it means I will still be so sick for who knows how long. God, what another horrible thing to write. Even to think.

I try to keep the big picture in view. I really do. But it only lasts for about 15 minutes as I lay in bed before Missy wakes up. Then I get up, the nausea kick starts and I try to make it through another day.

The only thing I look forward to is when I take a Un1som tablet and drift to sleep at the end of the day - sleep being my only refuge from the extreme fatigue and nausea.

Which is a third horrible thing to write when I have a life full of things in which to bestowe much gratitude.

Gratitude but precious little joy. Is there such a thing?

9 comments:

tipsymarie said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You feel like total shit right now. And you're worried about your baby. What can you do, you know? If someone can't empathize, then oh well.

Caro said...

I'm with you. I keep hoping the joy will come, but so far no sign.

L said...

Nausea and fatigue are debilitating and wear you down both physically and emotionally. It will get better, even if it lasts your whole pregnancy.

My mantra: "I am doing the best I can."

MissedConceptions

Coffeegrljp said...

Um if we're judged or evaluated based on these things then I'm in deep trouble. 32 weeks into this pregnancy and I'm still ambivalent in some ways; I hate to admit it and find it incredibly hard to write about. Maybe it's because I was sick and miserable for the 1st trimester (again - 2 pregnancies like this when others have NO morning sickness - doesn't seem fair). Maybe I'm worried about "dividing" my love and attention between Peanut and the new baby. Maybe it's because I'm tired of being a full-time SAHM and want to be working at least part-time but for a variety of reasons that's not possible now. I feel so ungrateful and like such a miserable person.

Bottom line - no judging here. Hang in there and do the best you can! Did I miss your birthday or is that this week??? Have a happy one!!

Wordgirl said...

Someone once told me that I would never be as hard on one of my friends as I was on myself -- and I suspect the same with you -- be gentle with yourself if you can -- not always an easy task I know...

the chronic nausea/exhaustion would get to anyone -- I'll be thinking of you all and sending you wonderful thoughts to the coast.

XO

Pam

L said...

Ask -- no, DEMAND -- Zofran for your nausea during the day. It comes in a generic form and dissolves right under your tongue. It is the only way I am able to function until I can take Benedryl at night (the two Unisom tablets didn't work.)

MissedConceptions

Lavender Luz said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now.

Especially since it's your BIRTHDAY!

Hope you get a little break from the ick and are treated well. :-)

Lavender Luz said...

P.S. Hope your testing came out well.

Carrie said...

I'm sorry you're having the most miserable time.

No one could cope with feeling so dreadful and not let it get to them. You're only human (hey-a great human but still!)
Please try and be more kind to yourself, cut yourself a little slack and just get through.

Hope all is well with the CVS of course. Thinking of you.

And, maybe Happy Birthday is a little jolly right now, but I'm sending lots of Birthday Wishes your way. Many Happy Returns :-)

Hang in there my friend x