Friday, June 22, 2007

Bring it On

Today I went to acupuncture as part of my official member of the pincushion club duties. I HAD to go to acupuncture. The qi stagnating all over my body was seriously bumming me out. This week has been a slog.

I explained the significance of this week, of tomorrow, to my acupuncturist. She understood immediately.

She worked points along the heart meridian. Acupuncture has never hurt me but this time, when she put the pins into new regions along my arm, pain enveloped the points and I yelped when she tweaked the needles.

“Your heart is very sensitive today”

Umm. Yeah. My heart is sensitive because it is breaking all over again. I swear I can almost feel the weight of the baby that is supposed to be in my arms tomorrow.

Seconds after she positioned the needles and the pain subsided, tears sprang from both sides of my eyes and ran down my temples into my ears. She said this was a common reaction.

Lying there on the table, alone, I felt wave after wave of sadness. The tears flowed uncontrollably. My nose stopped up. I tried to remember my new mantra, “my body can do this” but all I could think of was “Lord Have Mercy.”

For years, I used to recite this phrase faithfully every Saturday evening at mass. I didn’t realize the significance of those three simple words until recently.

Let us pray for those afflicted by war. May they live in peace soon.

Lord Have Mercy.

Let us pray for the sick, that they may be healed quickly.

Lord Have Mercy

Let us pray for those that are suffering…

Those three words kept running through my head. I clung to them there on the table, lying motionless with needles in my arms, legs and chest.

I took in a deep breath and felt – scout’s honor, I swear – a quick, almost electric, jolt roll over my heart. It wasn’t painful, just really intense.

And then the tears stopped flowing - almost abruptly. And I started to feel just a little at peace. And I was calm.

I’ve remained calm and centered for the rest of today (so far).

Who would’ve guessed that 18 years of Catholicism (which I don’t practice anymore) and a session of Traditional Chinese Medicine would help start the healing process over tomorrow. Not I.

It’s amazing what can happen when cultures diverge and share.

That being said, I’m still sad I am not pregnant. I so thought I would be by the time this date rolled around. But I am trying valiantly to get over it.

Bring on tomorrow.


Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

The thought of different cultures/philosophies working together toward a goal is poignant. My acupuncterist worked in a hospital in China with a traditional medicine wing and a modern medicine wing. In between was a building for patients wanting to experience the benefits of both. Who wouldn't want that? Any philosophy/science/religion that can make us better (and hopefully pregnant) people has got to be a good thing, right?

I always remember "Lord, hear our prayer" from mass. I no longer practice Catholicism either, but find it amazing how parts of the mass will always be with me.

I'm very sorry you are not pregnant yet, but yes, you are very valiant! Hang in there.

megan said...

i'm sad you're not pregnant too. i'm glad you are taking good care of yourself and your psyche right now...i'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
your acupuncture sessions sounds intense. i've been considering it myself and your story might be what sways me.

Sticky Bun said...

It sounds like today was intense on so many levels. It's really inspiring to see how you're working through your emotions about tomorrow. I know that it will still be hard, but really letting yourself experience those feelings is so important to the healing process.

And, mostly, I'm sorry that you're not pregnant yet. I wish none of us knew the pain of passing these emotional milestones still waiting...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Be sure to keep taking time to take care of you. Hang in there...

Erin said...

Ms. P - what an amazing day you had. I so admire your ability to face tomorrow so valiantly (there's no better word than the one you chose).

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I haven't experienced what you have, so I don't know what you're feeling, but I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

I can't tell you much I love seeing your comments on my blog. I so appreciate them! You're even proud of my NC-17 rating! That's true friendship! ;) I should be more ashamed than proud,, fuck it!

Amy said...

Sounds like you had a very therapeutic session today with TCM and old-time religious mantras. I'm not particularly religious (I used to be when I was much younger) but I do catch myself saying a little prayer here and there out of habit when the going gets tough. I'm glad you were able to find a bit of peace since I know its been a hard road for you.