Monday, June 18, 2007

Father's Day

Yesterday Gus gave Cowboy a father’s day card. This has become a bit of tradition in our house. Gus came with me into the Cowboy + Ms. Planner relationship. But we quickly assumed the roles of “Fun Guy” and “The Mean Lady,” as I became the dispenser of medication, baths and vet visits while Cowboy hosted trips in his truck to cool places, like the hardware store.

Our first summer of dating, Cowboy graduated and took a 6-week motorcycle trip around the Western U.S. This was before the days of blackberries, text messaging and wi-fi, so I gave him a stack of good old fashioned letters with instructions to open one every week. The stack included a father’s day card from Gus, which Cowboy said later was his second-favorite letter of the batch (the first being the porn letter for week #3 into the trip).

A tradition was born. The father’s day card. Not the porn letter. Although, am thinking I should bring that one back for the upcoming summer of DIY cycles.

So Gus “signed” his name on this year’s card, which is an amazing feat considering his lack of opposable thumbs. And I added at the last minute, “Baker, Junior and the second one, too.” Baker is our chocolate lab who we adopted and then had to put to sleep three years ago. Junior and The Second One, well, those are our human children.

I debated adding that line to the card, but I just felt like we should honor their short existence in our lives a little bit more. Of course, I bawled when Cowboy opened the card. But it was a weird cry, filled with a mixture of sadness and, oddly, a bit of relief. Cowboy reassured me not to be sad. We both love each of those kids, opposable thumbs or not and with us physically or not, with all of our hearts. It was comforting to think about. And to hear from him.

This coming Saturday is Junior’s due date. I have been dreading this day since last November. I can feel the physical presence of its coming like weight around my shoulders. I am tired. My head hurts. I feel heavy and sluggish. I cry when I think about it.

I just want to get it over with. But, somehow, seem to know that I just have to "be" for a moment in this grief. It's not making it any easier but I hope to encounter a lighter sense of being when this auspicous milestone has passed.


Erin said...

Oh, I love that tradition. So sweet! And I think you were right to include everyone on the card.

I'm really sorry about this Saturday. I hope you'll make it through it ok. My first instinct was to suggest you make plans and stay busy (A la your name!) but maybe the best thing is to like you said "be" in your grief. It's definitely not easier in the short run, but hopefully you'll be better off in the long run.

Does your RE do PGD for everyone, or just those w/ recurrent m/c? We may look into it, but right now, I don't know. I'll have to ask el Puerco what he thinks.

Thanks for stopping by, as always!

Amy said...

Ms P, My heart aches for you about this upcoming Saturday. I'll be thinking about you and your angel this weekend.
Big hugs to you and Cowboy and your furbaby Gus.

Sticky Bun said...

That's a very cute tradition--and good in some ways that it began before all of the TTC. I really wanted to give hubby something yesterday, but felt that it would have been too...I don't know, too much for the day because I never had before. And, I know what you mean about the cry being a release of sorts. Those cries can feel so good on some level.

And, I'm so sorry about Junior's upcoming due date. It's such a big milestone and it is so painful. I do think you're right, though--allowing yourself the time to grieve a bit is important. But, maybe try to be sure to take some time to be kind for yourself.

Hang in there! Thinking of you...

Caro said...

I'll be thinking about you on Saturday.

Carrie said...

The card is a lovely thing to do. And you are so right, crying is not always a bad thing, even over sad issues. It's taken me a while to work that out.

As for Saturday, I'll be thinking of you all. FWIW I too had dreaded the date arriving, got myself in quite a state about how I'd cope but it was OK. Some quiet thinking time and then, as you've identified, a kind of moving forward. Not forgetting certainly, but remembering in an easier way. Hope you can find some peace.

Take care of yourself x

Anns said...

I am so, so sorry that your due date is here. You should do something special for yourself on Saturday. I say book a spa day... get your hair done, your nails, get a massage, just spoil yourself rotten.

Be strong.