I am normal. Damn.

Well, normal when it comes to my reproductive capacity.

Just to recap, after m/c #2 we conducted the following 3 of 4 tests typically given as part of Recurrent Miscarriage Panel:

(1) HSG – to check for abnormalities in the female reproductive organs.
(2) Clomid Challenge Test – to check ovarian reserve
(3) Immunulogical Work-up (on me) – to check for about 12 disorders that are believe to contribute to miscarriage.

I checked out normal on all of them.

Diagnosis: a case of bad luck.

Fuck.

On one hand, I am grateful and relieved that there is nothing wrong. On the other, it is just so frustrating that there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do or not do that will prevent another miscarriage. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Talk to women who have suffered miscarriages and they’ll tell you that they rack their brains to come up with a reason why it happened. Was it that long run? Maybe I caused the miscarriage because I wasn’t sure we could manage another baby? Maybe I worked too many hours?

If you can pinpoint a reason for your loss, you rationalize that you can control it in future pregnancies.

But in most cases – and it seems, in mine – it is just a matter of letting go and embracing that a lot of the whole thing with miscarriage is chance. It is weird to think that women who have something diagnosed are the lucky ones. They can manage the issue. The rest of us just have to hope and pray that one good egg meets one good sperm and everything goes okay. While I am becoming used to this sort of acceptance of fate and timing, I still have trouble fully embracing it. But I guess I have to start.

So, here’s the plan:

DIY cycles through September. If I am not pregnant by September, Dr. Stretch wants us to come back in and talk about next steps.

Use OPKs each month (as if) and start a regimen of twice daily prometrium 200 mg two days after ovulation. After reviewing blood work from both pregnancies and my BBT charts, Dr. Stretch thinks I may have a progesterone deficiency. He suspects that the first pregnancy may have been complicated by low progesterone. The second one looks like a classic abnormal chromosome issue based on the timing and how quickly the beta dropped.

I asked about using Clomid in the front half of my cycle to boost the progesterone in the back half. Dr. Stretch noted that the complementary relationship between Clomid and progesterone is not always the case and that Clomid can be a detriment in DIY cycles when you are relying on optimal cervical fluid to make things happen.

If I get pregnant and miscarry again, we will have the his-&-hers DNA karotype tests done.

So that’s the plan.

Oh and he also wanted me to take a beta since I was at CD 26.

Yeah so I took a freakin’ official doctor pregnancy test yesterday. Wasn’t expecting that one. But it did save me from buying some HPTs. Screw you, Blue Cross Blue Shield.

It was too late in the afternoon to get the results back so I’ll hear today.

I really don’t think I am pregnant since I don’t have any symptoms except really high temperatures, which – I think – are directly correlated to my Prometrium use. Does anyone have experience with seeing higher temps in the back half of your cycle while using progesterone? I was nauseous last night. But I think that was just nerves.

I have tried to prepare myself for the following in advance of this afternoon's phone call:

(a) I am not pregnant. Even though I think I am not, hearing someone confirming it or having one line stare back at you always brings on a bout of disappointment.

(b) I am pregnant, but the beta is low and the pregnancy is not viable. I try not to dwell on this too much but wanted to plan for this scenario.

(c) I am…okay let’s not even go there.

So, that’s my day. What are you up to?

That and I have an interview for a new job. Perfect timing.

Our trip home to Texas was really great. My parents are so terrific. I will write about it later this week, as I wanted to get the RE stuff out of the way.