Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Oh No She Di' int

We went to the wedding of one of my very good friends from b-school and his darling bride on Saturday. It was a mini-reunion of sorts, as he is the kind of person who stayed in touch with a good many of our classmates. I, for one, was ready to celebrate.

Hair done up, channeling Audrey as Holly in the famous movie featuring an equally famous jewelry store, I was determined to make this a night of happiness. I feel so full of sadness and disappointment lately. I didn’t want to bring my baggage into the wonderful night of a lovely couple and their lovely ceremony. I was so over myself.

The wedding was a bit modern with a cocktail reception pre-func before exchanging vows. My second good friend in our triumvirate gal pals was there, too. She started TTC in July. In fact, I gave her my copy of How to Get Pregnant Fast (Naturally) a few months ago thinking I was being so helpful and all.

I haven’t seen her since a coffee date in July when she announced that she was, at that very moment, ovulating and that they had done the deed three days in a row. Ick.

I froze then and I froze again last night when she was freaking sipping on water at the cocktail reception.

My pregnancy radar went off.

Her excuse was that she didn’t want to drink while they were still trying. I get that. I didn’t drink for months when we first started TTC. I told her was sorry that it didn’t work out for her this time and by the look on her face after I made the comment, I just knew.

I get it. It is your pregnancy. Own it. Don’t let others force you to take it in a direction you aren’t ready to go. Like telling someone you are pregnant in the middle of a wedding reception filled with dozens of classmates.

So I would have left it at that. But then she had to say that she was “a little bit past the two week wait and I’ll leave it at that.” And if she has any announcements to make, she will be ready to do so when we have lunch at the third friend’s house in early October.

I went numb.

So much for my glorious night.

It wasn’t so much that I am bummed she is pregnant. I was just so hurt that she wanted me to play a part in her fantasy pregnancy announcement to her dearest friends. Over an intimate lunch. Just the three of us. And the other friend’s new baby. And the stupid smile plastered on my face hiding the bitter lump in my throat.

What disturbs me, too, is that this is the friend with whom I have shared some of my deepest, saddest thoughts with after both of my miscarriages. She’s been there for me. I should be happy for her. What’s wrong with me? I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but why can’t I get it out of my brain that this is so not fair. Why can’t I be the one blessed with a baby? Why is it easy for virtually everyone around me? Just not me.

She says she has prayed for me and thinks of me often. And I believe her. But if she thinks I am going to be party to a public announcement after which I will wind up sobbing in my car on the way home, then once again, I’ve been let down by yet another friend who claims to understand what I am going through. But who very clearly doesn’t.

I HATE what not being able to have a baby has done to me. I absolutely hate the mixture of emotions that course through my soul at this moment. I can barely write this without seething at myself.

Then I detach. I go through the motions. I smile brightly through the wedding reception. I give her a hug. But I can barely look her in the eye. And I hate myself for that, too.

I have never been so thankful that I splurged on an up do for the occasion because at least I had fantastic looking hair that night.

The next day Cowboy asks me if I am upset. I lie and say no. Later on, he asks me if her husband is going to quit his job and stay home to take care of the baby. I say I don’t know.

The sad thing is that she is my friend but I don’t care to know. Because I just can’t care right now.

I’m afraid of the thoughts I might uncover if I think about it too much.


niobe said...

But then she had to say that she was “a little bit past the two week wait and I’ll leave it at that.” And if she has any announcements to make, she will be ready to do so when we have lunch at the third friend’s house in early October.

WTF is this? I might give her a pass if she didn't know about your miscarriages, but since she does, I feel completely justified in saying that this is one of the most insensitive, selfish, and downright cruel things I've heard in a long time.

Caro said...

Seconding Niobe.

I totally understand you not wanting to explore your feelings right now.

megan said...

and i will third niobe. i think your friend behaved terribly, especially given her knowledge of your history. i'm sorry, ms. planner.
i don't doubt that deep down you are happy for her, but it makes perfect, natural sense for you to feel the way you're feeling.
at the very least you know to avoid this luncheon, and maybe that will be a good opportunity to tell your friend why and maybe tell her how you felt at the wedding.
thinking of you, ms. i so hope it's your time soon.

Erin said...

Oh Ms. P, I'm so sorry. Your friend was really insensitive. Don't get down on yourself for being upset about this. These "announcements" are so hard to take. Try to hang in there.

I love that you took solace in your hair, though. And, can we make a pact not to lend out fertility books to people we know?!?!

missedconceptions said...

I will fourth Niobe, if that is even necessary.

We are indeed living parallel lives as I had an ex-best friend tell me over e-mail that she was pregnant. (She was an ex-best friend for different reasons.) It just solidified that I was done with her in my life.

I think that people just don't "get it" until they have been there. Don't worry -- I also feel bitter when faced with pregnancy announcements. You are not alone in this.

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry about her comments. Totally uncalled for since she is aware of how hard things have been for you. She should definitely be more open and caring.

Big hugs for you. XOXO

Amy R said...

Don't harp on yourself for your feelings. There could have been a much more sensitive way for your friend to tell you this, considering she knows what has been going on with you. I guess 'baby brain' makes women do dumb things sometimes :( I'm just so sorry that her words caused you hurt.

Sticky Bun said...

Ms. P, as I was reading your post, I felt I was reliving my friend B's email where she tried to create exactly such a pregnancy announcement dinner. And, truth be told, I'm still annoyed, and it happened a while ago.

I really feel that the truth of the matter is, if you've never been through IF, you just don't get it. To be sure, some are better than others, but one of the toughest things is when even our closest and dearest friends disappoint us in this way. And worse yet, that they don't (can't) understand why.

I'm so glad that you looked fabulous, though. I know it's cold comfort, but it reminds me of a great Wanda Sykes routine that my friend and I always reference when we're feeling particularly crappy but have to go things like that. (Between her divorce and our infertility, we've been referencing it a lot lately.) Anyhow, Wanda tells us that no matter how bad things get, "don't forget to exfoliate yo' ass!"

Thalia said...

Honestly, I would be furious with her. It sounds as if she was there for you, but now she's pregnant it's all about her. I had a much less bad instance of this witha friend who I confessed I was a bit upset with her because she simply told me at 12 weeks when she told everyone else. "but we told you when we told everyone else," she insisted. I tried to explain how I thought all the conversations about infertility and loss somehow entitled me to a bit more time to get used to it, but she simply didn't get it. Oh well.

Hang in there, and for goodness sake don't go to that dinner. That would just be masochistic.

Von said...

I fifth Niobe.
Just plain shitty, shitty, shitty.
My heart goes out to you. It's a terrible feeling.

Sarah said...

Craptastic is what that is. Acting all secret like and planning a "special revealing lunch".

Craptastic because she knows about your miscarriages.


(yep, I'm de-lurking here, but I read...and I've had a M/C and a chemical pregnancy, etc. so I get it).

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and at what should have been a fun event too.

I'm afraid I have cut off friends for less than this, subtly-I've just stopped sharing, I just don't seem to want to keep up a friendship with somone who is so lacking in compassion.

It is so hard when we wait so long, suffer losses and then have to watch other get there, it often seems so effortless for them. It is even harder to cope when the friend, who knows what you've been through, then makes no allowances for your feelings. She is a lucky lady not to understand.

Waiting Amy said...

I sixth (or is it seventh by now) Niobe. WTF. "Baby brain" may make women do some stupid things, but that was inexcusable.

I'm sorry she ruined a night you were looking forward to. But you looked GOOD!

These announcements always sting (definitely skip the lundh). I'm hoping you feel some forward progress in you life soon, and when you are ready for it. Sending good thoughts your way. :)

Geohde said...

It is beoynd difficult (for me) to deal with pregnancy announcements, even from strangers, let alone friends.

Despite this, I can plaster a sh!t eating grin over my face and joke that I plan to have babies 'before menopause I suppose' when asked about it by workmates.

IF has taught me to be so much more careful when discussing anything potentially sensitive, fertile people sympathise, but rarely *empathise* if you get what I mean.