Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Left Behind

I have the acute feeling lately that I am being left behind.

It all sounds very melancholy and woe-is-me. Suffice it to say that this feeling – the one of being left behind – is not my style. I hate it, actually.

It’s not that I always have to run with the pack. That’s never been my style either. I’ve always felt like a bit of an outsider, even in the most tightly-knit groups.

Call it taking the long way. Or my own way. Whatever.

But standing still is not my gig.

I just completed a big work project. One of my last. Several of my old colleagues and new employees were involved in the project. I realized at its completion, that these people were forging ahead with new adventures, new lives, new jobs, new homes. And I was not.

Not that I wanted to be establishing a new life in that new location. But at least their lives had momentum. Mine feels like I’ve slammed on the brakes.

Same goes – and please, please forgive me for these sentiments, but this is a place to get out my feelings – with all of the BFPs. I do not begrudge anyone their success. God knows, there has been enough suffering and this good news is so hard won and so deserved. But each one represents the gift of forward progress. Actual, physical and emotional forward progress.

The same with the Cyclesisters out there. I cheer for you. I have my fingers crossed. I send positive thoughts your way. But I am a small person because I am a little bit jealous because at least you are doing something.

And all of a sudden, this blog, which was my safe place, is also making me feel left behind.

Left behind because we are just trying naturally. Again. For the 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th cycle. Rinse. Repeat. It is becoming clear I don’t have any momentum here either. And even once we get to the result of that 20th cycle in October, there is no plan as to what to do next. We agreed to discuss it when we got there.

I admire and am incredulous that there are folks out there who are in this revolving door with no acceptable exit for 5 or 6+ years. I couldn’t, I can’t do it. I so wish I could be that strong.

Instead, what I need is a break. A break from the acupuncture, the herbs, the TCM diet, the meditation and the no-rigorous-exercise ban. I’ve been trying it this way religiously for 6 months. If it hasn’t worked by now, I’m betting it isn’t going to.

I don’t know if this is giving up or just acceptance. I believe that it doesn’t matter what I do. I can’t expect that this is going to happen naturally for us. Or at all, for that matter. We’ll still be parents someday but it just won’t involve me getting pregnant.

If I can’t move forward, then I might as well go back. Back to important parts of my old life. This new one, quite frankly, blows.

My old life is the one where I took as many yoga classes a week as I wanted. And weighed 10 pounds less. And could run whenever I wanted. And wasn’t sad all the time, because I had faith that I was healthy and that this was something we could do.

There will be new things in my "old" life. Like contract marketing jobs where I can work from home. With my dog asleep under my feet. Keeping them warm because my kidney yang will re-surface and they’ll get cold all the time again. And being able to practice yoga whenever I want. And skiing on a good powder day, even if it happens to be Tuesday. And being so much closer to Cowboy after all of this.

Does going back (even a little bit) ever equal forward progress?


Amy R said...

Ah Ms. P, even though I'm one of the cyclesistas this month, I do know where you are coming from. The thing is though, you and your hubs decided that this summer of DIY love was 'the plan'. Something that doesn't involve shots or pills or Viagra suppositories up your yahoo (I'm lying prone right now so guess what I just did!). You'll figure out another plan as time goes along, should you need it. And I personally believe going back to the old you IS going forward. Its all about healing. I miss the 'old me'. I will get her back one day, regardless of the outcome. And you will too. Hugs, okay? And hey, if it makes you feel better, I'm jealous of YOU! You get a lovely doggie to warm your feet!! :)

Erin said...

Oh Ms. P! This post made me sad, just because you seem sad! I totally think your "going backwards" is going forward.

You're not going backwards at all, you're taking a chance to be yourself and I absolutely envy your resolve to do so. I know you'll be back whether it be for IF treatment, or pursuing adoption. I just know there's a baby out there somewhere who needs parents that met at a strip club.


Carrie said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Life is so hard. It's just too much to bear sometimes.
I hear you on the going nowhere/going backwards. I've never felt so lacking in drive all my life, no direction, no plan, no point to it all. It is so difficult to try and try and try and end up futher away than you ever were.

I'm glad you are thinking of reclaiming your old life, it won't be the same but if you can feel a little lighter of heart that can only be good. There comes a point when, if you don't know what to do, you should maybe try what feels best to you. I'm hoping it'll be comfy and reassuring and you'll find some peace and then, perhaps, the way forward will become clear. I hope so.
Your comments are always so beautifully written and concise, and so comforting, and I so wish I could return the favour but I'm lacking the skills. The thoughts and feelings are heartfelt, however, and I am thinking of you and wishing I could do something to lighten this huge load. xx

Von said...

"Does going back (even a little bit) ever equal forward progress?"

Yes it does.

Take it from me, who did everything going in her attempts to conceive naturally.
I stopped all that was good in my life because it was meant to be not so good. And for what? Nadda, that's what.
Get back to the old you. Take a break. Go on dates with the Cowboy. Make a point of not "doing the wild thing" at "that" time of the month.

Don't let this journey, whatever it is meant to be, make you lose your spirit. That's the important thing.

P.S What happened with the horse riding? Tried it out yet?

Thinking of you.

Von. xx

Anonymous said...

Oh I am so sad that you sound so sad. I can totally relate to everything that you wrote and wish that I had a magic answer for you. Ultimately the choice is yours to make but I think that anything that makes you feel better, both physically and mentally, is not going backwards at all. At least you will be moving forward with getting that angst behind you. I hope you can find something that gives you some peace.

Watson said...

I'm sorry you're in that stuck place -- I actually know it well. After TTC for about 2 1/2 years, we also took a long break and it was the best medicine ever.

Of course I didn't get knocked up once I 'relaxed,' but it helped me not go mad.

I just focused on other stuff and stopped charting, stopped the planned sex, started making travel plans because for once, I wasn't always working around the possibility of being pregnant.

And it was such a nice respite! I felt so much more ready once we decided to start trying again several months later.

So whatever you decide, I wish you much luck!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Oh I can soooooooooo relate....I think you know that=) I do 100% believe that you are going forward! Taking a leap to do things for "you" can be a hard decision...and I commend you!! We are traveling down similar Ill keep you company!

niobe said...

I know what you mean about feeling stuck, left behind, standing still. I try to look at it this way: going back is doing something. Going back is motion. And any decision that even feels a little bit like the right one probably is.

Thinking of you.

missedconceptions said...

I think that any motion is positive. Perhaps try to see it as an absolute value: motion backwards or forward is still motion.

I had a forced break trying to get my thyroid to stabilize, and I will say that even that month off made a HUGE difference.

Sticky Bun said...

Ms. P, I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad. You've got so much going on right now and so much you're working through. And, I think at some point or another, we've all felt similarly in this journey. But, I think Amy is right--the DIY cycles are part of your plan and part of your journey. I wish you all the best in these cycles and this part of your journey. And I hope that you're able to find some peace.

Thinking of you...

Mony said...

Sometimes you HAVE to go order to go forward.

Thinking of you

megan said...

sometimes it is simply impossible to move forward without going back. . . besides, i don't really see it as going back. it sounds like you're reclaiming some of your life, and that can only be thought of as a forward move. thinking of you, ms. p.

Waiting Amy said...

As many have already (eloquently stated) you ARE moving forward in reclaiming the essential things that make you the unique person you are (and we love). This journey can not be traveled in the same manner by everyone. Whether you embrace TCM (I do not) or acupunture or herbs or whatever, or whether you try DIY or whether you jump right to IVF -- each journey must be fit to those traveling it.

I'm sorry you feel down. I do know how you feel about being left behind. I joined to blogosphere this summer, and many of those BFP were bloggers I first encountered. It was hard finding sisters in misery and then losing them (sort of). But I do know that there are other out there still struggling right along with me.

Cuddle that pup, read a good novel and try to enjoy this new time in your life. Not every minute needs a purpose other than existance.

missedconceptions said...

Hi --

I have tagged you a "Rockin' Girl Blogger" on my site.

No cash prize, though. Or a healthy baby. But still.


lub said...

I totally get how you are feeling. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide. I am sorry I don't have more advice...

tipsymarie said...

You know, I have a real problem denying myself things I enjoy. The whole TCM thing kind of pisses me off. No dairy, no wheat, no coffee, no alcohol, no running. These are things that are not bad for you in moderation. To completely ban things you derive pleasure from simply cannot be a good thing. I for one am tired of feeling as though I'm being punished for my infertility.
Breaks are good. Go for it.