Friday, October 19, 2007

Half Pregnant

Have you ever heard the saying, "you can’t be half pregnant." You either are. Or you aren’t.

I am living proof that you can indeed be half pregnant.

I am pregnant. I have 7 HPTs in my desk drawer and 2 decent HCG betas to prove it. But I am not letting myself feel pregnant. I don’t want to re-join the club unless I am certain I won’t be kicked out of it. Again.

My two week wait went by amazingly fast. Even when I suspected I might be pregnant ("hmmm, why am I ordering a milkshake? I never crave milkshakes."), I didn’t dwell on it. Since seeing two lines two weeks ago, time has slowed to a crawl.

My first ultrasound is on Thursday, Oct. 25. A day of which I am terrified. And a date that can’t get here fast enough.

I have symptoms, I try to rationalize to myself. My boobs are sore and feel denser by the day. I literally conk out at 2 in the afternoon. Luckily, no one minds. Today I feel like I have a hangover: tired, a little nauseous, blah. I am not complaining. In fact, I secretly delight in these feelings.

And that’s when I start to feel like a fraud. What if this is all one big, cruel rouse? I go around acting like I am pregnant and feel like I might be called out at any moment: "You! Yes, you, over there. Not pregnant anymore! Please leave the room."

Yesterday, another symptom started – light cramping. Not really cramping but more like a stretching or pulling horizontally across my lower abdomen. I hate this symptom. It has me on edge. I read somewhere that this is normal. That the uterus is stretching. But in my experience, cramping of any kind = very bad. So I am nervous.

And I promised myself. Absolutely promised that I would not complain. I knew that the early stages of being pregnant would be the toughest for me. To that end, I am disappointed in myself that I'm even posting this. But these thoughts, they need some place to go.

So every day I wake up and say my mantra, "Today, I am pregnant."

And I so want to believe it and embrace it. But I haven’t quite figured out what kind of grasp to use.


Waiting Amy said...

I recommend the choke hold. Its a good firm grasp.

psst - but I don't think you really need it :)

Anonymous said...

Hoping, and wishing, and praying! I hope that everything will be just fine for you. I wish you the best next 8 1/2 months of your life. And I pray that your numbers keep increasing and that everything goes just perfectly!

Oh and thank you for checking in on me so much this month. This has been a crappy month for me but as they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes your stronger". (I don't know who came up with that bullshi@ but whatever... I'll take it. LOL!

Keep us updated!

Kim said...

I get your hesitation to 'believe'... hopefully soon, that doubt will be a thing of the past.

Von said...

I couldn't have said it better myself...........
Exactly how I feel.

Anns said...

Looks like we're in the same boat Planner... scary ain't it! A cautious and optimistic congrats to us both eh. I like your mantra, I plan on taping that up on my bathroom mirror to remind myself to stay positive.

Chin up girl.
Anns xo

Kim said...

Good luck on the 25th. Hope to hear a great update.

As far as how you're feeling now. It's okay to be cautious. Think how many times you had hope only to be let down. I think that if I ever do get pregnant I'll have to ease into it because it'll be a completely new (and scary) experience. You'll get there, Ms. Planner, only you'll be Ms. Mom!!!

niobe said...

Sometimes it's just so hard to believe that things could possibly go the way we want them to. I'm hoping for the best possible u/s for you.

ms. c said...

Oh, I understand this feeling completely. As a matter of fact I still feel like that most days.
Best of luck wiht he ultrasound next week. I know these waits can be so hard!

LJ said...

I'm hoping everything is just fine, and that you're able to enjoy at least parts of this pregnancy. I totally understand your concerns and fears - I can only imagine that I'll do the very same.

missedconceptions said...

I know feel an inordinate amount of pressure to get knocked up this month since you and Anns were both successful!

"Cautiously optimistic" was my mantra while pregnant before. Let yourself be happy and enjoy what you can. Really.

Caro said...

I'm hoping for you.

Lainey-Paney said...

Good luck, congratulations...wishing you a FULL pregnancy (as opposed to 1/2 pregnant...)


Wordgirl said...

In my opinion -- you can TOTALLY complain -- because it's scary -- I imagine I would be exactly the same way...

I'll be thinking of you over the next week!


SaraS-P said...

You can indeed be half pregnant.

But I hope you get to graduate to whole.

Watson said...

Hey there,

I think your U/S is today? I am sending you good thoughts for some reassuring news to come your way!


Tuesday said...

SO HOW DID IT GO?? (that was the 25th, right?)

Also, let yourself complain once in a while. Pregnancy isn't easy, and it isn't supposed to be all magical and full of rainbows. It hurts, you feel sick, and it's the one time in your life when you're entitled to complain to anyone who'll listen and get unrestricted sympathy. Well, mostly unrestricted.

I didn't complain much until I hit about two months in, close to three, because I felt like I was bad for complaining about something I wanted so much, but holy crap, I had to let it out sometimes.

You're entitled to it once in a while. :)