Tuesday, November 20, 2007

How?

How can I nicely tell my friend to take me off her email list of her exciting pregnancy news? Yes, the same one who spam emailed her 9-week sonogram picture to a dist list of friends & family has recently emailed news announcing she has a daughter in utero to the aforementioned list. I should point out that this friend has no idea I am pregnant. As far as she knows, I am the same person who has had two miscarriages - and nothing more - since TTC a year-and-a-half ago.

How can I nicely tell my other friend that I really enjoy our chances to get together and talk over coffee, but why does she always have to bring her 6-month old? I feel she only plans things with me when her husband is out of town and she therefore brings her son along. This was all but confirmed last weekend when she canceled last minute because her son was sick. And her husband was out of town.

How can I nicely change my attitude so I can accept that my friends lives have changed. That while we may have meant something to each other when we were ensconced in grad school and the years pre-husband-and-family immediately after, that perhaps we don't mean that much to each other now.

Because, in my view, if we did, I would make mental adjustments to embrace and empathize with what they have going on in their lives. And they would do the same in consideration of me.

11 comments:

Meg said...

I think you honestly tell them what you need right now, they are engrossed in their lives which include sonograms and 6 month olds and they do not know for a second what it is like to walk in your shoes right now....tell them what you need and they will hopefully listen.....sorry you are dealing with all of that. I am not a good person to give advice - since I am avoiding the emails with baby news and seeing my friends with kids - seriously avoiding them like the plague....

Carrie said...

I think some people just don't understand that it could be so difficult. It isn't really their fault, they aren't bad people just completely oblivious to the level of pain IF and recurrent nmiscarriage causes. Lucky them.
I'd like to think I'd have been understanding before all this, but would I? I'm not sure. I really had no idea.

You could try to explain. I still don't think they'll get it though :-(

E said...

My mom has been wanting me to email our ultrasound pictures to everyone she's ever met. I just don't see the need. If a friend really wants to see them, she'll ask. I wish people would understand that! Sorry your friends are such dopes.

I know what you mean though about it maybe being time to move on. It seems like such an effort to end a friendship, but in the long run, maybe it's better than having all these pains along the way?

megan said...

eek. i just had to express to people in my birth program group that it might not be the best idea to go mass emailing ultrasound pictures. i told them that they don't know what everyone on that email list is going through and seeing that u/s pic might just devastate them. they heard me but i don't know if they got it...

it's so hard to find people who get it and act accordingly. you still have us, but i know that we can't exactly meet up for a cup of coffee!! :)

Wordgirl said...

You know, I was just thinking about this today because of my dearest friend, my best friend really -- from college -- we met when our live-in boyfriends worked together and they thought we'd get along -- we did -- and our friendship far outlasted those relationships...through long-distance cards and letters, sporadic visits over the years...and then she had a baby...and flaked on coming to my wedding because her child was six months old at the time...and she was my maid of honor -- had known for a year...but had no idea how her life would change with a child...

and I tried to forgive her...but I somehow haven't been able to bridge that gap...which seems to be yawning wider...and I know she's such a loving spirit that if I was to just lay it all out on the table, lay myself bare -- she'd understand, and welcome me and whatever I have to tell her.

And yet, I haven't yet...

Von said...

HHmmmm, not easy.
Is it possible to block an email address without the sender knowing? If not you'll just have to delete the nano-second it arrives in your inbox.
As for you friend who brings the kid with her..... Just get really really busy so you don't have time to meet her, or, say it would be nice to do something with just the two of you and see if she can take the hint.
I'm all for not putting up with that kind of crap. You do not need it.

Waiting Amy said...

This is hard. I'm not really one of those people who have managed to carry a friend through my diverse stages of life. I've found that as I enter a major new phase, that my cohort of friends changes.


Although like Von suggested, you may be able to put her off for a bit. Who knows, maybe in a year you will welcome chatting about things that her life involves. Your relationship might not be the same, but you may still be happy to have it.

christina(apronstrings) said...

oh that is tough. the email me spam kills me. that is awfully inconsiderate. i'd just tell her. i mean 'just' isn't ever the case is it? i tihnk *most* people can understand your not wanting to see u/s pictures.
i hope your friends get a clue. soon.

Lori said...

Perhaps I'm cold and calculating, but it seems like it may be time to clean out your Friend Closet. This person is like a jacket with big shoulder pads -- a good "fit/look" at one time, but no longer.

Jettison to make room for the things/people who "fit" you now.

niobe said...

My strategy is to avoid all people who -- intentionally or not -- stir up bad feelings. It's not their fault. But that doesn't mean I have to let myself feel horrible.

meg said...

Yeah, I would probably avoid all of this as much as possible. But that's just my strategy--retreat from anything I don't like--even if it upsets others.