Friday, February 29, 2008

Of loss on this imperfect day (Feb. 29, 2008)

Back in late October 2006, I planted daffodil bulbs in our front yard. I’m actually a tulip-kind-of-girl, but daffodils bloom earlier in the Northwest. After months of grey, rain and cold – and even during spring when it is still grey, rainy and cold – the flowers provide a welcome harbinger of the warm weather to come. So I picked a species that would come up early.

I was just barely pregnant with Junior #1 at the time of planting. As I planted, I imagined what I would look like when these daffodils bloomed.

A few weeks later, I miscarried. My OB confirmed this at my ultrasound after seeing a barely-there heartbeat.

I miscarried naturally and had nothing left of this so-very-much-wanted pregnancy. So I wrote a letter to "Junior" (our code for the embryo) and buried a copy amongst a nest of daffodil bulbs right by our front door.

As I buried the letter as one would a pet hamster, I said a few prayers. My first prayer was for Junior the Embryo. My second was that I would be pregnant again by the time those daffodils bloomed in spring.

By March 2007, the daffodils were up and the sun was starting to shine again every few days. I was not pregnant. At first, the blooms sagged and then the stalks grew strong. The daffodils flourished and looked delightful in our front yard.

March came and went. No such luck.

By mid-April, the blooms started to wither. "Great," I thought, "There goes that prayer." Yes, I am a horribly selfish person when it comes to religion (which I know is terrible and is something I have promised Him I will work on).

A week later I was out for a walk with a friend’s 6-year-old. She’s a flower fanatic, quite knowledgeable for her age about all kinds of flora. Returning from the walk, we surveyed our lawn and sighed over the dying daffodil blooms.

"But Ms. Planner!" screeched my charge, who has a habit of invoking really high little girl pitches in her voice, "Look, there are two flowers still blooming!" And indeed there were.

She desperately wanted to pick them for her bouquet of weeds we’d brought home, but I wouldn’t let her, because then Junior’s daffodils would be no more.

And, although it sounds mean, I am glad I didn’t let her pick the remaining blooms.

Because a few nights later, I got a positive HPT:

Junior #2.

My wish had come true. I was pregnant again with the daffodils.

Shortly thereafter, the remaining two daffodils faded. Almost as quickly as they faded, so did the pregnancy. My RE called it a chemical. My sweet OB said that any pregnancy is a pregnancy. And gave me another shot of Rho-Gam in my ass.

Late winter 2008 has brought a spate of warmish, sunny weather in the Northwest. Hence, Junior #1’s daffodil stalks are again pushing their way to reach what little sun is to be had during the day.

This year, I waddle past them every morning and say a thank-you to whatever powers that be that I am pregnant yet again. My wish did come true. Just a little later than I wanted. But it came true nonetheless.

For fleeting moments, I sometimes wonder about the almost ones. Junior #1 would be a chubby 9-month old today. Junior#2, an infant, who had hopefully just gotten into a schedule.

Today perhaps I will go to the store and buy a bouquet of daffodils for their little sister-in-waiting. My prayer these days is that I will have the chance to let her pick as many of those blooms as she wants from the yard.


JJ said...

What a beautiful story--its amazing how mother nature ties in with every day life in the smallest, yet important ways--I cant wait to see a picture you take of your little girl holding a bouquet of beautiful daffodils...

Lori said...

What a perfect post for this imperfect day.

Carrie said...

That is so lovely. It has been a longer road than you'd have wanted but the daffodils are there now and will be a annual reminder of the journey with a happy ending.

christina(apronstrings) said...

the spring is so close, even if thoughts of winter linger.
thinking of you today.

niobe said...

A lovely, elegaic post. The writing and pacing are just beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a powerful moving post...

I am so glad that you now have the chance to let your daughter be able to pick her brothers flowers someday and I hope that one day yo will share this post with her...