Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Forward Progress (Kind of)

First, I want to thank everyone very much for their supportive comments and kind thoughts posted and sent my way. I am really grateful for each of you.

I often feel this journey is 3 steps forward, 1 step back. The past couple days – commencing with Mother’s Day (go freakin’ figure!) – have been real wringers for me. Dark and stormy patches all around.

While this journaling is certainly therapeutic, I’m seeing the real power of blogland: connectedness. It’s easy to spin downward into a spiral by only focusing on the bad stuff in my neck of the woods. But how long can I wallow in my own self-pity, negative thoughts & resulting behavior when there are wishes, prayers and positive vibes that need sending to women struggling with IF across country and continent? It’s not like I’m all Pollyanna and shit, but focusing my thoughts on this community truly helped me put my own issues and concerns into a more rational perspective. And contributed to helping me pull out of the nosedive I was in.

So the dark and stormy patches have moved on (for now). I need to learn that they will certainly return and prepare for what I can do to cope when they do.

I also made an appointment with the infertility shrink. It is next week. I will definitely update on That Was the Plan after our first meeting.

More news: As if my body needed to provide ANY more convincing that I’m not really in charge here, I am on CD 28. Now, I’m a 26 day gal. And when you’re trying to get pregnant and take a month off, it seriously fucks with your mind if you are late.

“I can’t be pregnant.”

“Maybe you ovulated late and the FIRST s3x you had in a month did the trick?”

“Seriously, YOU are not pregnant. Do not EVEN think about using that HPT you have stashed in a secret hiding place.”

“But my temps are way up and, well, um, it is the last day of the 2ww…”

This is what goes through my head when I’m getting ready in front of the mirror in our bath.

Granted, my temps are up but they’ve been so wacky this cycle, which commenced with miscarriage #2. I did not use OPKs, but I have been charting other signs, too, so I am pretty sure we dodged the good days.

Bummer #1 is that AF’s delayed flight into town means no ovulation s3x over an alcohol-soaked (but caffeine free) Memorial Day weekend, which just happens to be Cowboy’s birthday.

Bummer #2 is that AF’s delay also delays that start of my testing for whatever the hell is wrong with me. It's super fun to be a holding pattern!

Never thought I’d been wishing for AF to show up after a two week wait. Yep, it is fo’ sure. Oh, I get it alright:


I am so not in control here.

4 comments:

Caro said...

That's the biggest problem isn't it, the total lack of control.

Sticky Bun said...

Ugh...man you've got a lot going on! Hang in there. I know that's easier said than done...(And I SO hear you on the control thing.)

Carrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrie said...

Sorry I deleted. Typos make me mad.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. It's so difficult to get out of that downward spiral, I know it only too well. Or to get out and fall right back in making it seem more hopeless than ever.

I agree with your observation about the connectedness. I just don't speak about our situation to ANYONE in real life because they just don't get it! and I'm too tired to try to explain. I'm new to blogging but it's given me a real break from the isolation I was experiencing.

I hope things take a massive turn for the up soon. For both of us. I'll check back in if that's ok.

I hate the feeling of being out of control too. Physically and mentally.