Today is the anniversary of the first time we had timed s3x in order to get pregnant.
I was a complete rookie back then. I hadn’t used an OPK. I still had faith and hope that this whole process would work out. We didn’t even technically time it correctly, since we only did it once during the "good" time. Hey, I was raised Catholic in the South. I had been told for as long as I remember that once was all it took and still kind of believed it.
I was cleaning out my desk the other day and I found a picture taken of me a work event last spring when I had just starting filling out my first BBT chart (cycle #1!).
It was a gorgeous day in Central Park. The company I work for was sponsoring a festival with the NYC Department of Parks. We were at a cocktail reception on the roof of the historic parks building. Tops of trees framed the building skyline that rings the park. My head is thrown back, hair shining in the sunset. This is starting to sound like some soft core porn. I am holding a glass of wine. I am laughing. My mouth is open and curved in a smile. I am so confident and happy.
I want her back.
I suppose I just need to work harder at getting her back. The meditating and breathing exercises seem to help. The yoga helps. Keeping my diet as clean as possible helps.
But I just can’t seem to shake the disappointment that we’ve been at this a year and have gotten nowhere.
Maybe I’ve just unwittingly convinced myself that the happy person I once was will not return until I have a baby. I hate that I have let this be the case. But, again, can’t seem to shake it.
Anyway, Miss Hope, I know that I’ve called you bad things. I'm sorry and I promise not to do so again if you come back around. Just for a little while. Please?
* * *
Quick RE update:
I started on 50mg Prometrium for my progesterone levels. Did anyone else notice big temperature jumps on their BBT charts (I know, I’m still charting – lame!) whilst on Prometrium? I’m in record-high territory on my temps. I don’t have any other side effects. Knock on wood.
I am going home to Texas for a few days and am not sure if I'll have time to post, but will catch up when I return.
Our RE meeting to go over all of the tests is next Tuesday.
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7 comments:
You've had more than a few disappointments in the last year and that's bound to lead to some reflection and sadness. I think it's hard not to mark all these anniversaries.
Wouldn't it be great though if our whole lives could be just like that picture you describe? Soft porn and all?
I hate anniversaries too. They're too much of a reminder. x
I'm sorry that you've had to reach this anniversary. Hopefully this will be a long forgotten time next year.
I know what you mean--I miss my version of her, too. We'll get her back. She'll look a little different, but I think she'll be even stronger. I was thinking a lot about my pre-IF self--she was confident and light and happy.
But, truthfully she wasn't always that way. I know for my part, I became confident and happy by going through some difficult times and being really proud of how I was able to weather them and build a life that I could feel good about.
And, I believe in my heart that, while we can't see the end of the journey clearly now, there is a beautiful, confident and happy mother at the end for all of us. No matter how we get there. And the confidence and happiness will come not just from having that much desired family, but also from weathering this storm with the grace you do everyday.
Sorry for the long comment...just know that you are still that strong, confident and happy woman. I wish none of us had to emerge from something so isolating and painful, but I KNOW you will get through it. And you will smile again.
Have a great trip. And know that we're thinking of you...
I'm sorry that todays is the dreaded X year mark. All I can say about this process is that it really makes you examine who you are and forces you to make necessary changes for the better (ie health etc). I hope this process makes us all a better person in spite of it and that at the end of the day, we'll all be rewarded with a positive outcome. Thinking of you and have fun in Texas :)
I hope Miss Hope comes back, too, and soon!
Have a great trip to TX, and take good care of yourself.
I definitely know how you're feeling. I think, once at some point I was happy just living my life, before W, and since we've been together. Now, I'm so focused on this one thing, and I have no clue how to de-focus myself.
I hope your trip to Texas was fun and gave you a little break!
Thanks so much for checking in with me on my blog. I'm not sure if I'll change docs, or just be more forthright about asking questions.
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