So the baby shower went well. The other friend and I who were co-hosting had a fabulous time on Saturday prepping for the fete. We chatted, chopped, mixed, blanched, baked and organized all morning. It was wonderful to hang out with her and put me in a good mood for most of Saturday. We planned an excellent menu and the house looked lovely. I took a deep breath. I could do this.
On Saturday night Cowboy and I went to a charity auction/dinner. No biggie. It was fine until two of the couples at our table began conversations about the wonderful sweetness of their toddler children. After about 15 minutes of guess-what-cute-thing-so-and-so-did-the-other-day, I began to feel really left out. Thing is, one of the women in that conversation just started her meds for IVF! Her first child was conceived via IVF, too. And she knows my situation. I was expecting her to be a tad more sensitive. Ya think? I made a vow that I would never do the brag thing in mixed company if God would please just give me a baby. My mood was getting bluer by the second.
Sunday – shower day – I was busy getting the final details ready for the brunch. I had planned out a play-by-play of the morning (go freakin’ figure) so I went on autopilot, emotionally & physically. Come to think of it, I was on autopilot for most of the shower. I smiled, made conversation, retrieved mimosas for guests, did my obligatory pass the baby hold – all with no problem. I felt like I had my entire being bound up tightly in a corset and a smile plastered on my face. I have never worn a corset, or even spanx, but I imagine that is what it would feel like.
I didn’t loosen the corset until a few hours after the shower. And then I blew my entire TCM diet on my own pity party. I ate nearly every leftover from the refrigerator. Yep, straight from the cold refrigerator: blanched vegetables with yogurt & feta dip, lemon cheesecake squares (more dairy), berries and homemade whipping cream (even more dairy). All cold. I felt like a pig but I couldn’t stop grazing. The entire afternoon and evening. I should have done a little yoga or gone for a light jog. But I completely blew it.
The tears started about 6 PM when (oh so sensitive) Cowboy asked me if we were still going camping with my pregnant-with-twins-on-my-due-date friend and her husband at the end of June. I know he was just being Cowboy, planning the next thing. But I’m just tired of all of this right now.
How empty do I have the feel before I can start to become full again?
Thing is, I am in holding pattern. We don’t have our meeting with the RE to get results (if any) until June 12. I am 4 dpo into my 2WW. Maybe I’m pregnant and a camping trip with pregnant-with-twins will be OK. Will I be beyond sad when AF comes? Will I start crying on the camping trip? Will it be a complete slog? Am I just over analyzing it? Do I just go on it and don’t think about it. If it sucks, oh well. You’ll live. Or do I just succumb to living 2WW to 2WW?
Argh! I hate this. It is so frustrating. I wish someone would invent a pregnancy test that tells you right away.
By the way, did anyone have more pronounced 2WW "symptoms" after a round of Clomid? I swear, I feel more emotional every day. And we are talking only 4dpo here, people. Help us all. And my nipples. Ouch. Good lord. This is gonna be one long ass 2ww.