Monday, June 4, 2007

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

So the baby shower went well. The other friend and I who were co-hosting had a fabulous time on Saturday prepping for the fete. We chatted, chopped, mixed, blanched, baked and organized all morning. It was wonderful to hang out with her and put me in a good mood for most of Saturday. We planned an excellent menu and the house looked lovely. I took a deep breath. I could do this.

On Saturday night Cowboy and I went to a charity auction/dinner. No biggie. It was fine until two of the couples at our table began conversations about the wonderful sweetness of their toddler children. After about 15 minutes of guess-what-cute-thing-so-and-so-did-the-other-day, I began to feel really left out. Thing is, one of the women in that conversation just started her meds for IVF! Her first child was conceived via IVF, too. And she knows my situation. I was expecting her to be a tad more sensitive. Ya think? I made a vow that I would never do the brag thing in mixed company if God would please just give me a baby. My mood was getting bluer by the second.

Sunday – shower day – I was busy getting the final details ready for the brunch. I had planned out a play-by-play of the morning (go freakin’ figure) so I went on autopilot, emotionally & physically. Come to think of it, I was on autopilot for most of the shower. I smiled, made conversation, retrieved mimosas for guests, did my obligatory pass the baby hold – all with no problem. I felt like I had my entire being bound up tightly in a corset and a smile plastered on my face. I have never worn a corset, or even spanx, but I imagine that is what it would feel like.

I didn’t loosen the corset until a few hours after the shower. And then I blew my entire TCM diet on my own pity party. I ate nearly every leftover from the refrigerator. Yep, straight from the cold refrigerator: blanched vegetables with yogurt & feta dip, lemon cheesecake squares (more dairy), berries and homemade whipping cream (even more dairy). All cold. I felt like a pig but I couldn’t stop grazing. The entire afternoon and evening. I should have done a little yoga or gone for a light jog. But I completely blew it.

The tears started about 6 PM when (oh so sensitive) Cowboy asked me if we were still going camping with my pregnant-with-twins-on-my-due-date friend and her husband at the end of June. I know he was just being Cowboy, planning the next thing. But I’m just tired of all of this right now.

How empty do I have the feel before I can start to become full again?

Thing is, I am in holding pattern. We don’t have our meeting with the RE to get results (if any) until June 12. I am 4 dpo into my 2WW. Maybe I’m pregnant and a camping trip with pregnant-with-twins will be OK. Will I be beyond sad when AF comes? Will I start crying on the camping trip? Will it be a complete slog? Am I just over analyzing it? Do I just go on it and don’t think about it. If it sucks, oh well. You’ll live. Or do I just succumb to living 2WW to 2WW?

Argh! I hate this. It is so frustrating. I wish someone would invent a pregnancy test that tells you right away.

By the way, did anyone have more pronounced 2WW "symptoms" after a round of Clomid? I swear, I feel more emotional every day. And we are talking only 4dpo here, people. Help us all. And my nipples. Ouch. Good lord. This is gonna be one long ass 2ww.


Reproductive Jeans said...

I would have eaten the entire contents of my fridge....I love emotional eating--well, a LOVE/HATE relationship....
I am sorry the 2ww will be a long hard one--its never easy. Thinking of you!

Erin said...

Oh Ms. P, that sounds like such a tough weekend. You were great to do that for your friend, but it shouldn’t have to be so hard to do something nice.

The holding pattern is the worst. Planning your life around these two week spurts can be so draining, and while I guess I see the wisdom in just forging ahead and planning life as IF wasn’t a concern, the reality is that it IS a concern and the emotional ups and downs of these two week cycles will overwhelm any satisfaction that comes from having a normally planned life. (For me, anyway. Your mileage may vary.) I would have a really hard time committing to that camping trip, but obviously you know your relationship with her better than I do. The most important thing is just being good to yourself. You never know, you might be better off out camping, hiking, and toasting marshmallows, than at home thinking about how sad it is that you had to cancel your trip. I’m struggling with similar issues about upcoming weekends away. This was so much easier in the winter!

Hang in there and for now just be proud of yourself for hosting that shower. You rock!

Coffeegrl said...

This reminds me of a post Mel over at the Stirrup Queens wrote - about "sensitivity chips." It's so hard to believe sometimes that even the people we would expect to understand us and be sensitive to us don't seem to get it (or at least they forget it). I actually worry about this a lot. I don't ever want to be that person. I'm sorry that you took one hit after another this weekend.

I personally subscribe to the emotional eating remedy. No judgment here.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

I'm sorry your weekend was so rough, especially after your emotional sacrifice putting the shower together. Why is sensitivity lacking in so many people? Especially in someone who should understand. I wish you didn't have to go through that.

Hang in there! May the 2ww go quickly!

Sticky Bun said...

"How empty do I have the feel before I can start to become full again?"

So well put. I'm so sorry you had a hard weekend, but I still give you so much credit for hosting the shower.

And, I'm sorry that you're in a holding pattern. Sometimes it feels like IF is nothing but one long multi-year holding pattern, broken up into two week increments. I hope for you the patterns ends happily very soon.

Thinking of you...

Amy said...

I'm sorry the baby shower was so hard :( You're HUMAN and its not a very easy emotional topic. And you're such a good friend to your PG buddy for doing this. Kudos to you. Also, sometimes you need a little 'comfort' food to dull the pain. So don't be too hard on yourself for that. I do hope your feeling better though.

Von said...

I hated Clomid. Gave me all sorts of horrible side effects.....
Here's hoping it's not the case for you.
Can I just say as well, well done hosting that baby shower. How hard that must have been for you.
Be proud of yourself. You did well.

Carrie said...

Living 2WW to 2WW has become a bit of a lifestyle choice (some choice) for me too. And I hate it because it sucks all the fun out of the part of life which still should be fun.

As for the IVF woman, I'd have expected better from her too, it would have made me twice as mad to think she had an idea of my emotions and still didn't get it. That's just rude.

I'd steer clear of the camping, but then I could NEVER EVER hold a baby shower (not that we have them over here, thankfully) Look after yourself first. If you'll manage without hurting, great. If not, don't put yourself through it. It is hard enough.

chicklet said...

Re the trip, we go through the same thing with every outing now - "really, with the pregnant lady? well if i am it'll be ok, and if i'm not i want NOTHING to do with it.". Fun times. Re Clomid, month 1 was the worst for me as far as being emotional - I was f*g CRAZY!!! Month 2 I was very much on edge all the time, month 3 and 4 continued the same but with migraines and a bladder infection. Month 1 was the worst though so depending where you are... good luck.