Friday, April 25, 2008

Blogoversary: In the Course of One Year

Below is an excerpt from my journal entry of April 25, 2007 – one year ago today. I was 6 days post miscarriage #2. I had just posted my first blog entry on That Was The Plan. I kept this entry private at the time because I did not want to start out my blog with too much negativism. Clearly, I needed an outlet. Big time.

April 25, 2007

My whole freaking soul hurts. I am scared. I have that sick feeling in my stomach. I look at my future and it seems so bleak and scary. I want to punch something so hard. I want to throw my laptop out the window. I mean, hurl the damn thing. (I never thought I would have anything in common with Denise Richards, but there you go).

And with this feeling, I am supposed to be networking and being helpful to might-be-influential people and looking for a new job. Oh yes, did I mention that the job I have had for 6 years and love is going away in September because my company is moving to Utah. I mean, UTAH! WTF!

And – guess what, because life wasn’t fun enough – that Cowboy had $4 million in deals fall out of his pipeline yesterday, which means that all of the hard work and long hours he has put in recently, that despite all valiant efforts, his job is in jeopardy, too.

Which puts the anxiety level up to here. And the sadness level up to there. And all of a sudden I can’t see so clearly.

I feel like Cowboy and I are in boat looking at each other like, "I thought you brought the freaking life preservers!" I seriously don’t know if we will survive this: his job, my job, IF. Somebody, please. Somebody cut us a break.

# # #

Whenever I go through hard times, I try to remind myself of their impermanence. "Life will look so much different in six months," I’d say. I said that back in December 2006 when I was still sad about my first miscarriage and the jury was still out as to if we would be moving to a new state with my job.

Cowboy had stepped up to a vacant position in the bank that needed to be filled. We didn’t know if it was going to pan out either.

Flash forward to late April 2007 and boy how things had changed. Only now they were worse. Where before we had uncertainty, now seemed to face a series of dead ends. I'd turned down a promotion with my company in Utah and would be out of a job come end of summer; we realized that Cowboy's new gig at the bank was of the churn-and-burn variety; not only were we not pregnant, but we were staring down the barrel of recurrent pregnancy loss testing and whatever those results might bring.

For the first time in my life, the 6-month rule hadn’t worked in the positive way I’d always meant it to. I felt duped. And terrified. The above journal entry clearly reflects the space we were in.

Last night, a full year later, I woke just before the alarm. Cowboy was asleep with his bedside lamp still on. The Birth Partner book lay open across the duvet. He had been reading it since waking at 2:30 a.m. (he always wakes at this time). I note this and smile because it is the first I’m-having-a-kid book that Cowboy has cracked.

He woke up because he is feeling guilty and nervous. I know this because he has just found out he is the front runner candidate for his dream job. I mean, dream with a capital D. This is the kind of job that he set his sights on back in business school. This is the kind of job that kept him hanging on at the bank for 8 years. Because of some bank regulations that govern his dealings with three new clients, today he has to face his boss with the news that he may be leaving. If nothing, Cowboy is a loyal employee. He has only worked for 2 companies since graduating high school.

I woke up because I have to go to the bathroom. Again. Because while last year I was reeling from m/c #2, now I am 8 months pregnant with a by-all-accounts healthy baby. I, too, have just found out that a local creative agency is interested in hiring me for freelance marketing consulting, which means I can continue to work from home for the remainder of the year.

The word grateful springs to mind. But it feels so inadequate. This is so beyond simply being grateful. This almost feels like a different life. But it is not. It is our life. Our life last year replete with all of its sadness and worry. Our life this year at 180 degrees opposite with breathing room to spare.

I try to be perfectly content. But I am on edge. Because I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because we don’t deserve this much good fortune. The fates will surely punish this much good fortune by taking something we counted on away.

Which, I know, is both completely paranoid and glass-is-half-empty.

That I have such thoughts shames me. It leaves me to ponder how can I ever pay this much good fortune forward. How can I pass it on so I don’t hold it too tightly and lose it.

This is what can happen in the course of a year.


Newt said...

Happy blogoversary! The bad luck sure does seem to pile on, so I'm hoping the good luck does the same damn thing for you. Sending best wishes.

JJ said...

Happy Blogaversary!! I am SO glad to have found your blog-and I hope you continue to share your words with us=)

Waiting Amy said...

Happy Blogaversary!

I often feel "completely paranoid and glass-is-half-empty." DH says I've gotten more so since IF. But don't let it shame you. I think part of it is the mark we carry from what we have been through. And some is just inherent personality -- at least for me. It's not easy to accept this part of myself, but I've come to realize I can't completely change it either.

Glad you life has done a 180, and hoping you stay on a steady course from here out!

Lori said...

Joining in the blogoversary chorus. Happy!

I love all the gratitude in this post.

Geohde said...

Happy blogoversary, and yep, boy a lot can happen in a year!


christina(apronstrings) said...

happy anni! i am so like you-just waiting for something bad to happen. this is all just so freakin perfect.
oh how i wish for both of us that we were blissfully ignorant as to all the crap that can go wrong.
i am soooo happy that you and cowboy are here.

Sticky Bun said...

Happy Blogoversary! And, I think we all know what you mean about waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard after having been through so much. But, here's to a second blogoversary celebrating nothing but 365 days of good news.

And, I for one am very glad to have found your blog and to have been sharing your journey this year. :-)