Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Now that we are in the thick of the holiday swing, I find myself having vivid flashbacks to this time last year – Missy’s first trimester – and the fall prior – my first miscarriage.

I rarely wrote about how sick and terrified I was in this blog because I feel like I went through my first trimester with Missy in full-blown bunker mentality.

You would think that my beautiful daughter, harried life and, well, time itself might have dulled the angst-ridden memories. Still, I find myself visiting a random place like Costco and remembering vividly how it felt to walk down the aisle on the verge of puking. Or standing at the check out line at New Seasons Market on a rainy Friday night in November with a pint of ice cream and a box of pads as I lost Junior #1. I went for a doctor’s appointment in the same building where I had my CVS almost a year ago to date and could almost feel my knees knocking in fear again.

The fall of 2006 was filled with so much sadness and searching after my first miscarriage. The fall of 2007, so much anxiety and sickness. While I selfishly long to add another child to our family, I am not ready for the potential re-visit to such dark spaces.

In the initial months after Missy’s birth, I was too busy – or just plain too tired – to remember the pain of IF and miscarriages. This living, breathing, fiery little bundle consumed every spare second. I thought the pain might have gone – poof! like magic – the moment she emerged.

Now I have a bit more precious time & energy to think as well as the context of the holiday ritual to remind me how I felt last year and the year before. I am simultaneously sad and so very grateful. I can’t even fathom how much inner resolve it took to get through it so stoically. Was I ever that strong? I didn’t feel so at the time but in retrospect I am in awe that I made it through.

Shortly after we got the thumbs-up from the CVS results – and knew Missy was a missy – we received our first baby present from Mr. & Mrs. Super Planner: a subtle pink-striped swaddle blanket from PBK.

I found the gift receipt for the swaddle blanket the other day. Ever the glass-is-half-empty, I had saved it throughout the pregnancy just in case we had to return the item (for obvious, unspeakable reasons).

So I took that receipt…and shredded the shit out of it


Newt said...

You know, it's time to pack my hospital bag, and the hardest part is picking out a coming-home outfit for the baby. Because it will mean taking the tags off and washing something. And after everything I've been through, I can't quite find that optimism yet. Especially at the holidays, which have been absolutely cursed in the past.

So...I hear ya about the flashbacks. Hoping all our ghosts fade farther away, and the happier years pile up.

Fertilized said...

I am so honored to read this post. I totally get it!

Lori said...

That shredding was a terrific ritual!

Here's to wonderful flashforwards from here on out.

Waiting Amy said...

I think that pain of those memories changes with time, but never totally goes away.

Here's to shredding every bit of it that we can!

sushilover said...

Good for you...I can completely relate...I'm still in the midst of complete fear. I don't think it will go away until birth...and I definitely know I personally won't be able to go through this again. It's just too hard.

Lisa said...

Glad you got to shred that receipt - while that pain and the memories will probably never go away, here's to happier years and new memories to be made with Missy for you now.